Why is Dating so HARD?! Getting Off the Rollercoaster Ride

DR. LARA FERNANDEZ

Why is dating so hard?! We get this question all the time from our clients when they first start working with us.

And they’re not the only ones who feel this way. Studies show that most women are finding it harder than EVER to date in the modern dating world.

Especially in your 30s and 40s, the pressure from society, the media, and worst of all family and friends is at a new peak. And all that does is add to your stress and confusion and make you feel even MORE at a loss about what to do with your love life.

You know what I’m talking about, right?

So YES, dating can absolutely be a rollercoaster. And yet… there are ways to make the ride more pleasant. But most importantly, there are ways to get OFF it, and OFF the market, for good.

Here’s how to do it.

1. How to streamline your online dating experience.

How do you know which site to choose? It’s not so simple anymore, is it?
There are seemingly thousands of online dating services out there, which leaves you overwhelmed and wondering what to do.

Johnny and I recommend that you keep it simple: join only TWO online dating sites. One of them should be a big site, like a Match or Hinge. And the other should be a “niche” site, one that has a specialty that fits you. Do you like yoga and spirituality? Yogidating.com or Spiritualsingles.com. Are you an avid cycler? Gosporty.com. Christian? ChristianMingle.com

We are also big fans of PAID SITES, and using paid features, not free ones, for the most part. The people who are paying are at least putting some skin in the game and therefore investing in this part of their life. On free sites, can often be more about hooking up than finding your future husband. Speaking of which: if you’re over 30, not into hookups, and SERIOUSLY want a husband soon, don’t use Tinder (even though it’s very popular). Just don’t. ‘Nuff said.

In our True Love At Last program, we personally work with our clients on setting up their online dating profile. We review how exactly to use the apps, and prepare them for dating differently – how to “date with the end in the mind”. The end being true love, marriage, family and a lifetime commitment… Not just another relationship that starts with fireworks and fizzles out in 3-6 months.

There’s so much more to say about this, but there just isn’t enough room here! This is why we work so deeply on this with our clients- there’s levels to this, and it goes far deeper than we can get into here. But this is the best start when it comes to online dating.

2. Social media is running our lives.

Social media can be wonderful. I love Facebook as much as the next person. I post pictures, share funny cat and baby and puppy and hedgehog videos just like anyone else. The community connection portion of our program is even in a private facebook group because it makes for such easy connections. So I’m not hating on Facebook. A friend even told me once that my “Facebook game is TIGHT”… which means I post good stuff, I guess. 

But never before in the history of humankind have single people looking for love had something as distracting as Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, LinkedIn, Instagram…and on and on! It’s also impossible for us to share the whole big picture of our lives on any of these platforms. We usually only share the best slices of life with each other. And it creates an image of ourselves that’s really only partially true. This makes getting out there even more challenging, because who you are online certainly needs to match who you are in person.

Another thing: we have these incredible PHONES that are really powerful supercomputers that we now carry with us all the time. And we access them all the time. When we’re in line at the grocery store, waiting for our food at a restaurant or for take-out. We rarely allow ourselves the luxury of just letting our mind wander. And it’s making us all more anxiety ridden and even depressed.

Smartphone addiction is a real problem. A study from Northwestern University revealed that “the more time people spend on their phones, the more likely they are to be depressed. The average daily use for a depressed person was 68 minutes, compared to just 17 minutes for someone who has better mental health.”

Not only is overusing our smartphones stressing us out, it’s disrupting our sleep, affecting our fitness levels and health, and messing with our attention span. And this is not just my opinion. There’s a growing body of research that’s finding evidence that smartphones, when overused, can be unhealthy for us.

I’m not suggesting that you give up your smartphone. (How could we even??) But I am going to share with you what you can do to help lessen the effects of smartphone overuse.

When you’re in line at the grocery store or bank or anywhere, keep your phone in your purse! Yes, for those brief 3-minute interludes where you’re in line, resist the temptation to get on your phone. What to do instead? Look around. Smile at people. Yes, make eye contact with men. Talk about the next Warriors game with the guy with a Warriors t-shirt on. Take a few deep breaths. Stretch. Challenge yourself to stay off the phone. Rinse and repeat.

And give yourself the gift of taking Facebook and Instagram OFF your phone-or hiding it so it’s in your library, but you can’t see it, you have to type in the name to get to it!!! I know, that’s sacrilege. Do it for two weeks. See how you feel. I’m willing to bet you’ll feel more present, less anxious and you’ll be more available to notice if there’s an interesting man nearby!

So, how does this affect your dating rollercoaster? Well, giving yourself the gift of BEING PRESENT and aware and open (by following my suggestions above), you become more MAGNETIC to the many blessings that the universe is trying to send your way.

Ready to get off the rollercoaster of dating ASAP? Here’s my professional suggestions for what you can do starting TODAY to become more magnetic to your soulmate, so that by this time next year, you’re happily in the arms of your man. Sound good? Let’s get into it.

3. The clock is ticking…. LOUDLY.

For many women in their 30’s and 40’s, the biological urge to make babies kicks into high gear. And that LOUD tick-tock that’s happening in the back of your head makes it hard to even hear what your handsome date is saying to you!

Many women are so well-practiced in suppressing it, ignoring it, or imaging that they have “plenty of time” that the clock is like a minimized program. It’s there, eating up resources, draining your energy, but you aren’t even aware it’s running.

So, what to do? Remember that your hormonal clock can make you go overboard with men, so be aware. You don’t want to give off a desperate or needy vibe. That isn’t attractive to a healthy, quality man.

On the other hand, if you ignore biology, keep saying you have “plenty of time” just because you don’t know how to even turn things around, you’ll find yourself at the edge of a cliff and the decision will be made for you. And you’ll live the rest of your life with regret. The regret of “I wish I had gotten serious about this MUCH sooner”.

This is where cultivating your own inner calm and peace and learning to just BE with what IS, is so important. So, let’s say you’re WAY past the age you thought you’d be still single with no family. Take a deep breath and notice that. Then let any regrets from the past go. Stop beating yourself up for the PAST and start focusing on your FUTURE…starting TODAY.

And even if you’re pushing 40 or past it a bit, most women can STILL have babies. Just ask our client Andrea, who had a baby in her early 40s, and my friend Carrie, who had a baby at 46! And adoption can be a marvelous choice if you can open your mind and heart to it. If biologically you’re past the time to have your own child, you can become a bonus mom. Many of our clients are enjoying that option (and we’re helping them with everything that comes with that new role)! And when you’re with the right man, that’s a wonderful way to have the family you’ve always wanted! There are many ways you can be a parent.

4. Some men are just jerks. Seriously.

Okay, you know that already, right? Yup, thought so. Jerks, liars, cheats, players, man boys, momma’s boys. Yes, yes, and yes…they exist. What to do? Read that first sentence again. With a different emphasis.

SOME men are just jerks. SOME. Thankfully, not all. And even if it’s been MOST of the guys you’ve met or gone out with, it’s – factually speaking – only SOME.

Isn’t that a relief? That there are so many men out there, that you haven’t met yet… AMAZING, high quality single men, who are looking for their soulmate, just like you??

We know this because our premium program clients are meeting and marrying amazing men all the time. We get texts, tags on Facebook, and emails in our inbox every week from clients telling us they’re engaged or married, or in a serious relationship with an incredible guy.

Are MORE men jerky guys in their 30s and 40s? Maybe. Maybe because they haven’t fully grown up yet. Or maybe because they have more options. So when a woman doesn’t stand out as different, then they’re comparing you to all the other women they are meeting, your age and younger. Life is real, we know that that’s happening. (You DO know that, right?)

So…how do you stand out? Well, you’re taking the first step by reading this and starting to learn about love. The dating, mating, and relating “game” is different these days. That’s why dating is so hard. I know it’s not a game – at least it shouldn’t be – but dating is different these days. And if you aren’t fully prepared for what you’re hoping for, wishing for, and praying for…that good guy will go to someone else who IS prepared.

We’ve been helping smart, savvy, warm-hearted women avoid the jerky men and find the right man since 2005. Yes, thousands of women. And when they celebrate finding true love, we celebrate with them! So don’t take it from us- take it from our now happily married clients, who found amazing men. If they can do it, so can you! Don’t lose hope!

Now…the trick is to get yourself in alignment with the guys that are NOT jerks. Instead, you want the ones who are honest, hardworking, caring, and searching for their sweetheart, the woman they can build a life with. The amount of quality men looking for a woman to cherish, love, and be loved by – and yes, get married to – is more than many single women fully grasp.

If you want to move past being chronically single, with dim hope, and just frustrated with little to no prospects…then it’s important that you hear me on this:

Being a Student of Love can shift this. A Student of Love is someone who is determined to be a lifelong learner and is open to LEARNING everything she can about love.

And when you meet a jerky guy, or a few, know that just because you haven’t found your guy yet doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist. He does. And he’s looking for YOU. Have you fallen in love with yourself, with your life, and are you ready for the right man – that good man – to fall in love with you?

Really? Are you inviting him in, or too harshly criticizing ALL men because of the actions of SOME men? Which brings us to…

5. Cynicism can kill a potentially great relationship before it even starts.

And it can make the ups and downs of dating more DOWNS than UPS. So, check your cynicism at the door. Yes, I know you’ve been hurt before. Maybe a lot. I truly am sorry if bad things have happened to you in relationships in the past. But you’re reading this blog for a reason, and you have read this far, so I’m willing to bet there’s a part of you that still holds out hope.

When you’re cynical, snarky, and just angry- and you don’t have the confidence, the hope, the excitement…men can feel it. Good men especially can feel it.

So keep cultivating that feeling of hope and excitement over what the future can become for you. Doing whatever you can to push away cynicism and to embrace an optimistic and positive mindset about looking for love is a win-win scenario: you’ll just FEEL better… and you’ll be WAYYYY more attractive to a healthy, quality man.

Yes, you may have “failed” before in your relationships. But today is a new day. You’re reading this blog and you’re starting to commit more to becoming your best version of yourself by taking on a Growth Mindset about finding love.

This is why we offer our live Love Breakthrough Bootcamp to women just like you… so you can move to ACTION toward finding love. When you’re in action toward something, instead of just talking about it or complaining about it, it gives you HOPE because you’re actually DOING something about it!

In order for you to fall in love with yourself, with your life, and the right man for you, you’ll want to do whatever you can to let go of cynical thoughts and keep taking action.

So there you have it. Some of the most common causes of the rollercoaster ride that is dating in your 30’s and 40’s.

I hope you got a lot out of this series! Johnny and I are here for you whenever you decide to get expert help on your journey to true love!

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